This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional.

LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. – At Los Alamitos High School, the administration has made a bold and unconventional move to enhance students’ educational experience. According to the new curriculum, if it is not choir, sports or band, it simply does not belong. Long English essays? Forget them. Math that makes no sense? Not important. History that makes you bored out of your mind? Adiós. All of these things are of the past. Welcome to a new era of artistic expression and athletic progress. 

“We noticed a pattern. Students are happiest when they are singing, performing or competing. So we wondered why we had not made this change sooner,” said principal Melody Forte.

Students across campus have only embraced this change.

“I had never sung before, but once I hit the stage, I knew it was for me. Choir for life,” said junior, Alto Reed, who has become fully intertwined in the choir program.

Other choir students see this as an incredible opportunity. Without the stress of normal classes, they will finally have time to practice more. Three-hour rehearsals are now being replaced with full-day rehearsals, all complete with show runs, cleaning and incredible performances. More practice means more competitions and more first-place trophies for LAHS.

“Some kids dream of going to college, but I have been in SoundFx for four years. That has to count for more, right?” said senior Bella Note.

The school’s award-winning show choir program has already seen huge changes. All space reserved for trophies is full, and a new building is being built just to house the trophies. 

Meanwhile, sports fans have also been willing to throw themselves into the new curriculum. If asked about algebra, most players have never heard of it. But ask about the perfect throw and they will know the exact angle needed.

“Colleges used to look at our Grade Point Average, but now all they care about is our Instagram Reels on social media. Those tell them everything they need to know,” said varsity football player, Tyler Brooks.

The extra practice time for Brooks has allowed him to craft his technique so much more. Time can now be spent training, analyzing and perfecting plays. All this extra training will surely show in future games.

Many band students at LAHS were not even phased by the change. Their schedules and rehearsals are already packed every week.

“At this point, I am pretty sure I live here. We already practiced long hours after school, now it is just during the day too,” said Tuba Thompson, a member of the marching band at LAHS.

Teachers have now been reassigned from classrooms to gyms, music rooms and practice fields. History teachers are now running drills. English teachers are now music instructors. 

“Patterns. That is all it is. We used to do patterns in math. Now we do patterns in rhythms and plays. It is so much more fun,” exclaimed previous Calculus BC teacher, Mr. Newton.

At LAHS, the message is clear. Say goodbye to old-style teaching; at LAHS, we welcome the change and embrace athletic progress and artistic expression.