This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional.

LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. — By the time first period rolls around, Los Alamitos High School sophomores and juniors have already completed what experts are calling an “intense endurance event.” Lacking the sacred senior-only parking pass, non-seniors are forced to embark on a daily pilgrimage from their parking spots, located on average 15 miles from school (give or take a continent), to campus.

Students have reported waking up before sunrise, packing survival gear and saying goodbyes to their families before beginning the dreaded trek.  

“I left my house at 4:30 a.m. and parked at 5:00 a.m.,” said Miles Walker, an LAHS junior, clutching an iced coffee like a lifeline. “By the time I reached school, I had crossed three zip codes and developed a new sense of self.”

The journey from parked car to campus is not without its perils. Treacherous terrain, such as cracked sidewalks, mildly inconvenient intersections that take far too long and the occasional slow walker, interferes with students’ journeys. Some students have resorted to creating tight-knit travel groups, relying on morale to make it through the expedition. 

“We rotate who carries the backpack with snacks,” Faye Tigue, LAHS sophomore, explained. “It’s the only way to survive.” 

Those who make it to school are not greeted with thunderous applause, but rather with tests, pop quizzes and the smug look of seniors calmly walking in from the student parking lot. 

School officials have responded with compassion and understanding, issuing the following statement:

Rumors of potential solutions, such as additional on-campus parking or perhaps designated off-campus parking, have been dismissed as unrealistic fantasies. 

Once the school day is over, students are often seen preparing for their return trip, armed with water bottles, granola bars and the knowledge that they will survive the epic saga of “no parking pass, no mercy.”