This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional. 

LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. – His pea-like eyes reflected an admirable certainty as he looked upon an optimistic crowd. His chunky figure left no room for his suit to breathe as he attractively slurred into the mic. His uninformative speech was so enlightening that it left America hysterical. Iowa Governor Buck Gobbly, the attention-getting Hollywood celebrity turned politician, is at it again with his spontaneous and unpredictable big dreams!

Last night, at the National Economic Crisis Media Conference in New York City, the republican patiently reassured the press that the mild affordability issue concerning fuel costs is a part of the president’s intelligent agenda.

Wasn’t it just a couple of months ago when he and all the other Make America Great Again supporters gave the president a standing ovation at the State Union for falling gas prices? Yes, but times have changed.

“Democrats are completely exaggerating about paying ten cents more at the pump. They’re begging politicians to suspend fuel taxes right after President Trump saved them from a third world war. If it weren’t for this man, we would’ve been dealing with over 30 nuclear bomb threats worldwide,” Gobbly said.

Gobbly is taking the long view when it comes to chaotic gas prices. According to “The Eye For An Eye Act” of 1798 invoked by Gobbly in his speech, the United States could terrorize a foreign land if it suspects an abuse of American citizen interests. Cheap gas prices were examples of that abuse.

President Trump and his administration fought back immediately with a lucky bulls-eye hit, giving the U.S. economy long-term superiority over nothing.

“CNN hates that I am America’s most favorite governor, saving America. That’s another reason why they have no ratings. It’s unappreciative, fake patriots like that who will tear us down. Trump loves America more than anyone else in this country. He’s always putting everyone in it first,” Gobbly said.

So, when the unaffordable gas hits you in the face, remember: President Trump and his famous goonies are working hard to set the standard right in America.

“We’re making historic and unprecedented investments in this country. Goodbye, and THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER,” Gobbly said.

As a symptom of the illegal war going on in the Middle East, expensive fuel might just be the greatest investment towards America’s Golden Age of Corruption!