This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional. 

LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. – Sophomore Connie Alstar recently faced the loss of her disgusting Converse shoes after her parents staged an intervention and forced her to retire them. The widely-hated shoes held deep personal meaning to Alstar due to the destruction they faced through the customizations she had made.

“They were perfect,” Alstar said. “They were the perfect level of broken-in where my feet would slide out if I stepped wrong. The laces were originally this ugly white color, but I got them to become the perfect shade of brown. The entire bottom of the left shoe fell off about a week before they passed on, and I knew the right one was close. They really do mean the world to me.”

Alstar’s friends are ecstatic for devastated by her loss. 

“Those disgusting, trash, ugly, falling-apart shoes really meant a lot to Connie,” Alstar’s best friend, Sam Bas, said. “I’m so glad they finally dissolved. I hope they never rest in peace.”

Alstar announced the end of her shoes via her Instagram story at the end of last week. Alstar has not yet released the date of the funeral, but their opponents fellow mourners believe the funeral, though absurd, may help Alstar move on.

“I don’t support the funeral or the shoes, but I do care about Alstar,” Bas said. “I hope this meaningless funeral helps her can move on so we can finally stop talking about those awful shoes.”

Though the loss of the shoes has devastated Alstar, she feels confident she can learn to live without them.

“I know they’ll always be in my life because they disintegrated everywhere in my house and I’ll never be able to vacuum it all up,” Alstar said.