This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional.
LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. – For those who missed out on popular trendy items lately, the thrift shops are the place to be. From the second-latest Stanley cups to last season’s viral drink ware and bag charms, thrift shops are full to the brim with just-past-viral trends!
Remember the viral Wicked Stanley cups from last October? Well, if you couldn’t get in line early enough, run fast enough or punch hard enough, your local thrift store may have your solution! Already, the lucky few to get their hands on these limited-edition tumblers have grown bored and moved on.
“I didn’t even realize it was Wicked themed,” cup donor Ellie Stein said. “I couldn’t actually see it through the crowd, but I figured if everyone else wanted one, I probably did too. It was worth getting tackled and bitten for, but it’s kinda ugly and mine has a chip on the bottom from where it hit the floor after a 98-year-old woman had to throw it to save herself from the hoard.”
If green and pink tumblers aren’t your style, the shops also have plenty of the previously viral Starbucks Bearista cup! These cute little bears line the shelves like dogs at the shelter, waiting for their second chance after virality. After resale attempts failed, people like Ourse Tasse have turned to their local thrift shops to rid themselves of the glass.
“I got the only one at my store after those terrible, evil minimum-wage Starbucks employees stole the rest,” Tasse said. “I was planning on using it for a few pictures and then reselling it. After a few days, though, nobody seemed interested anymore. I don’t have space in my house for it after all the Valentine’s Day and St. Patty’s Day cups I bought recently, so out it goes!”
Your local thrift store has more than just drink ware, though! For the not-so-latest trends in bag charms, thrift stores have a wide collection from donors like Will Kopen.
“I think my Labubu collection is over 200,” Kopen said. “I’m not really sure anymore. I got a couple to help me find a girlfriend, and it kinda snowballed. I spilled my Starbucks matcha on this one so it’s lowkey gross now. I don’t even know if they can accept it, but Chat GPT says if I personally don’t throw it away, it doesn’t count as over consumption.”
If you can’t find what you’re looking for, the shop’s employees would love to help you out.
“I honestly have no idea what’s trendy right now, but I guess I’ll find out in a few months,” Goodwill employee Gloria Smith said. “I’m really happy to come to work every day and see the shelves lined with random ‘trendy’ cups and trinkets. I really hope people continue to buy these things so we’ll never have space for the actually good donations!”
