This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional. 

LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. — Have you ever wanted to unwind with a fun game of Roblox? The game has introduced a new age verification system in which all you have to do to register is enter your email, password, bank account number, social security number, home address and complete a facial retina scan! 

“Of course, we don’t keep your information in a giant data center so we can sell it to 3rd party companies, haha, that would completely go against Roblox guidelines,” said Roblox CEO, Jacob Noobian, in an interview with sneakycompanies. 

Roblox rolled out this new system at the start of 2026 in order to protect users and ensure safety. However, many gamers argue that the requirement of uploading a birth certificate, passport and other sensitive information is going too far. 

“Safety is our number one priority at Roblox. If users can’t prove where they were on their fourth birthday, we cannot allow them to build a virtual pizza shop,” said Noobian. 

Parents across the nation have hired legal representatives in order for their children to play the game, with some claiming they had to take out a loan to afford one. Children are being asked to verify their tax records and W-2 forms. 

“My eight-year-old son picked up a part-time job in order to obtain federal tax records, just to play this game,” said Lisa Branan, a parent of a Roblox gamer.

Failing to prove your age leads to dire consequences. Users expressed that their avatars have been reset to a default baby character. Additionally, some Robloxians are only able to play tutorials forever. Some gamers have even developed a new type of morse code in order to communicate with each other, since chat privileges were taken away.

Roblox has released plans to make age verification even stricter within the following years. Foreshadowing ideas like DNA tests or time machine verification. Although safety matters, maybe a block game shouldn’t feel like applying for citizenship.