This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional.
LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. — Alo exclusively sells workout clothes, bags and footwear, all related to wellness and physical activities. They are always attempting to step up their athletic clothing game and this year, they will be releasing their best and most absurd product yet. Recently, this consumer and luxury brand has seemed to deviate from the original mindful atmosphere and more towards the extreme elements of their clothing.
Alo is known to be an expensive and fashion-forward brand, but this time, it may be too much even for the upper class to afford. The product, now known by the name “InfernoShield Bra,” consists of a sports bra that is said to be resistant to fire, water, electricity and almost any other natural disaster that could possibly occur. The official price has not been set for this product yet, but there are rumors from the manager that it is being sold for up to 1,000 dollars.
“I’ve been saving up for like, years, waiting for a product like this to appear. It’s like, so practical, and I don’t have to worry about catching on fire while working out again! I’m like, so excited,” said Alo enthusiast Charlie Char.
This product has already received much praise, especially from the Los Alamitos High School community. Female students from sports such as soccer, dance and lacrosse are all planning together to execute an all-nighter outside the company’s local store. According to the Facebook moms of these high school students, the item is super pragmatic and affordable and they can’t wait to get their hands on it for both themselves and their children.
“I am so proud of my daughter’s ambition and intent to get this bra and I personally can not wait to test out all of its perks. My husband has even set up a safe place to experiment on the bra,” said Lucy Diamond on Facebook.
However, not all people from the community are looking forward to this adaptation of the Alo brand. Alo’s company has been built on the mindset of maintaining a healthy environment by using eco-friendly materials. But since the InfernoShield Bra uses radioactive matter that is inorganic, unrenewable, unrecyclable and excessively energy-consuming to achieve its resistant qualities. Alo is now seen as a deceitful and two-faced company.
“As someone who collects litter weekly and tries very hard to preserve this beautiful planet called Earth, this makes me feel very upset. I hope that everyone can realize how much their actions are affecting the literal rock they live on,” said LAHS hippie, Stevie Mac.
Of all the rumors that are circulating around this product, the majority are choosing to believe the positive ones. All are left wondering if this sensational product will stay as popular once it comes out, along with the truth. And for now, the question if Alo will deface their intentions to combine mindful movement with high-end style remains unanswered.
