This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional.
LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. – The Los Alamitos High School parking lot is a stressful and dangerous place. The wait to get out of the parking lot is unbelievably long, taking more than 30 minutes just to make it past the entrance. But horrifyingly, it’s impossible to navigate through the school parking lot without getting hit.
LAHS senior Jake Smith said a student hit him in the lot.
“I was walking across the parking lot, and looked both ways, when all of a sudden a huge Ford Explorer smacked me. I fell on the floor, and I was dragged around by my backpack, but the person laughed and kept going,” said Smith.
Another student, LAHS sophomore Tonka Jahari, was also hit badly. She gave me her statement from the hospital.
“I literally was crossing the street to enter the school, and a Tesla Cybertruck and a Tesla Model T ran the red light and ran me over and screamed, ‘This is Elon’s way,’” said Jahari.
Bad driving is also common in the LAHS student parking lot.
“This junior literally backed up right into my car. Some people should not be allowed to have a license. I have a huge dent in my car and I tried the plunger method to even it out but it caved in and my car exploded,” said Simon Mer Hall.
Some people, including a well-known source, backed and ran right into the fence in the parking lot. There are multiple scorch marks and battle scars on that fence.
“I was walking by the fence, and a junior almost clipped me, then ran straight into the fence. There’s still a hole there, and this idiot also marked the Da Vien parking lot,” said Amaze Eng Dryva.
Also, there are issues with illegal parking, including parking in the designated Food Services parking spots and parking without a permit, leading LAHS supervisors to crack down on students. Most students claim that they make a run for it, speeding out of the parking lot, whenever staff are checking for campus parking permits.
The #Ihatelahsparkingpermit is trending on Instagram, and the cult members meet behind the parking lot each Wednesday. I attended their first meeting this Wednesday.
“Why should I pay for parking it’s free concrete, why should I pay for parking it’s free concrete, Why should I pay for parking,” the LAHS parking permit cult members repeated, chanting over and over at the meeting.
Cult leader Michael Obam said that during their meeting, they cast spells and rituals. They also burn pictures of LAHS superintendents and chant their names menacingly. Members also hold monthly meetings where they burn parking permits in the parking lot and run in circles around the flames.
Even though the parking lot can be scary, a lot of people still enjoy the experience.
“Bro, how else am I going to make it to Taco Bell and back with only a 30-minute lunch?” argued Lord Senor, who arrives to class 15 minutes after lunch ends.
Other teachers argue that a student parking lot is necessary so that students don’t park in the choir or staff parking lots.
“A junior, who I am not going to name, tried to run me over after I gave him a 2/100 on an assignment. PLEASE do not let the juniors come to the staff parking lot!” yelled June Yors Victim, half joking.
Others are simply terrified of students taking away their spots.
“I am NOT figuring out how to park on this battlefield. I’d rather walk 500 miles,” said Te Proc Lamers.
No matter what you think, the parking lot is unlikely to go away soon.
“Bruh this is overkill, I am not getting rid of that lot because everyone wants it. I am part of the I Love LAHS Parking Lot Club on Instagram and so many people support us,” said Mikale, LAHS superintendent and I Love the LAHS Parking Lot Club leader.
The club’s Instagram @ilovelahsparkinglot has one follower and one member.
