This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional.

LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. — Today, April 1, 2025, Congress proposed a new bill titled “Just Figure it Out.” This bill will bring an end to all Social Security funding and taxes. The federal government will no longer be supporting pensions or retirement investments of any kind. 

With the government no longer taking funds from American citizens, they are now being told to do what the title of the bill proposes: “figure it out.” Everything from building roads and maintaining public property will become the responsibility of the American people.

“This bill is great. It is magnificent. This is the best way to help the American people figure it out,” President Trump said at a White House press briefing. 

The goal of the bill is to empower Americans and prove to citizens that they can take control of their own futures. With this new bill, the government has shown countries globally that Americans are living the American dream and can “figure it out.”

“My dad is a visionary,” Trump’s son Eric said on X. “This bill will revolutionize the way that Americans handle all problems and reduce all current and future strain on the federal government.”

This bill has been so inspiring and enacted such a large global response that after the bill was proposed, American immigration rates spiked by 101%, reaching a historic high. This spike has caused Trump to rethink the bill; he posted on True Social today 101 times, one post for each percentage the immigration rate has spiked.

“We need to stop the bill. We need money to build a new wall. We need a tall, glorious wall that will keep immigrants out of our borders. America will build a humongous wall,” Trump said. “This is terrible. It’s like every single country that doesn’t know how to pass a good bill will send its citizens here. It feels like an April Fools’ Day prank.”