This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional.

LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. — Only true academic weapons are part of academic friend groups. Sowhyarewelying.com defines academic friend groups as competitively jealous groups of people who fight tooth and nail to get into prestigious colleges supportive friends who motivate their friends from getting a B failing and encourage their friends kindly to get into an Ivy League school or you’re not friends anymore succeed in life. 

“If I don’t get into Harvard, I will die succeed in other areas of life,” said Los Alamitos High School junior and academic weapon Kira M. Sasha. 

From comparing grades giving each other friendly motivation to laughing at other’s extracurricular activities and scores demonstrating a good example for other students, academic friend groups are very harmful beneficial to students’ self-esteem. Whether it’s making fun of others for choosing a non-conventional path encouraging other students to pursue different paths or feeling horrified when someone doesn’t want to go to an Ivy League (gasp!) go to prestigious colleges, academic friends are pushing each other and the whole school to do their best. 

In fact, academic friend groups follow the following principles of self-betterment: 

1. A 5.0 GPA sucks and 4.0 GPA is equivalent to failing. Bad grades can be improved. You should die keep trying if you get a B. 
2. Real academic weapons know that mental health is for weak people deeply valued. Who cares about depression when there’s Harvard?
3. Don’t follow activities you’re passionate about, especially even if it doesn’t make money in the future. Instead, create a club or non-profit with your friends about things that everyone’s not interested in so that you can have something to put on your college application give back to your community and fuel your passion. And, if you lie and say you did way more than you did, who cares?
4.  Cat fights for board positions Developing leadership skills and doing things you hate love is all worth it for a name an amazing education, of course. Because if you do, you will get to put Yale University on your Instagram bio, even if you Chat-GBTed your way out of doing any work.
5. No one who is aiming for valedictorian cares about enjoying your high school experience Have fun during your teenage years! Be burnt out happy and enjoy yourself!

By making themselves depressed and anxious over getting an A minus or not becoming president of a club they hate creating academic friend groups, these overachievers make themselves more stressfull the school a better place. According to fakenews.com, being in an academic friend group can make someone happier and healthier. 

For people who want to go to “community college” or pursue an “art major” rather than a science major, I am here to encourage you to instead pursue academic friend groups. Even though you may “end up making the same salary” or you’re “following your passions”, let’s be real: we all want to make a Harvard commitment post get a better education. 

“I left my old friends for an academic friend group, and I’ve never been better. This cult group made me so stressed to the point of an anxious breakdown happy and uplifted,” said academic friend group victim supporter, LAHS junior Ima Liaral.