This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional. 

LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. — A groundbreaking study from the University of Blazin’ Skinn (UBS) has discovered a fascinating connection between excessive tanning and the belief you’re immune to skin cancer. Data from this study was collected through a survey of 300 female students ages 18-24. This research reveals that if you spend more time in tanning beds than touching grass, you are more likely to believe skin cancer is a hoax.

Students at UBS stated that the study is an offensive blast on those who enjoy tanning.

“This is just another attack on the melanin-challenged community. Somehow I’m ‘delusional’ for believing sunscreen is a government scam when my mind is sharp and my skin is sizzling,” said Tiffani Sunburne, a sophomore at UBS.

This study explains how 96% of participants agreed to believing they are exempt from skin cancer. Researchers believe the brighter the tan, the brighter the ego. Tanners also agreed that SPF is obsolete if you believe hard enough.

Dr. Sunni Raye at the National Institute of Suspicious Skin Moles explains that excessive tanning creates a unique psychological occurrence where logic becomes non-existent.

“Trends show that self-delusion is becoming the new protective factor in dermatology,” said Dr. Raye.

Dr. Raye suggests that “reality checks” should be implemented into every tanning session to combat the ignorance caused by tanning.

Professionals suggest that daily affirmations like “I radiate health” help combat the creepy realization that your tan might be plotting something against you. While many tanning supporters believe immunity is the key to avoiding skin cancer, the actual immunity percentages are still being studied by the FDA.

The study has concluded that believing in immunity is not effective in stopping the emergence of skin cancer.

“Although hope may not protect against UV rays, it sure does look bright in selfies,” said the UBS research committee.