This article is SATIRE. Quotes, names and facts are fictional.

LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. — According to new policy, Los Alamitos High School is removing certain words from official school documents to comply with a district-wide goal of homogeneity and confusion.

“These words aren’t banned, we’d just really prefer you not use them,” LAHS’ Principal Spiffy said.

By slightly adjusting school vocabulary, LAHS strives to eliminate any possibility of discrimination based on perceived differences or Division, Exclusion, Inequality measures, which have now been removed.

“The goal is to erase school identities that separate people on campus from each other,” Principal Spiffy said. “That differentiation inhibits learning and causes kids to reach their final year of high school unqualified and undeserving of graduation.”

Also on the list of quietly discouraged words are “student” and “teacher,” so LAHS can avoid one group incorrectly assuming that one group has more authority than the other. Further, “student teacher” is no longer part of the accepted vocabulary because current LAHS policy states that there are only two roles on campus: staff and persons enrolled.

“This policy will wake people up to the unfairness we’ve been suffering. Now, I don’t feel like anyone is getting special, undeserved treatment,” student Sally Smith said.

Official school correspondence, including @losalofficial Instagram posts and the Griffin Gazette, will be monitored, and LAHS will flag words from the list. Anyone who uses these words will be kindly slapped on the wrist and politely asked to leave the school.