This article is SATIRE. Quotes, names and facts are fictional.

LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. — In efforts to scale down the scope of cultural events displayed in their calendar app, Google wisely decided to delete unimportant observances like Black History Month, Women’s History Month and Pride Month.

“It just wasn’t sustainable to keep those in the calendar,” a Google spokesperson said. “Instead, we removed them all. You can add them back in yourself if you want, but we don’t feel they’re important enough to be included.”

However, the Google Calendar team kept vital American holidays like National Ken Day in order to celebrate the patriarchy and encourage toxic, insecure masculinity. Observed by 100% of Americans on March 13, National Ken Day recognizes the essential role Ken plays as “guy who holds Barbie’s purse,” according to Mattel.

After releasing the Barbie doll, Mattel created Ken to address America’s lack of straight, white, male role models. In a recent statement, Mattel said that Ken empowers boys to mansplain and make vaguely misogynistic comments without repercussion.

With Barbie’s many careers — pilot, chef, doctor, president — girls may internalize the ridiculous idea that they are capable of financial independence and professional success. Fortunately, National Ken Day assures girls that they need a hot piece of blond eye candy at their side.

Ken doll add-ons like roller skates, sculpted abs and sparkling white smiles are not included, and the Mojo Dojo Casa House is sold separately.

In addition to removing cultural observances like Women’s Month due to lack of space in their database, Google Calendar wants to uphold a traditional American ideal: the separation of church and app. Accordingly, they removed religious holidays like Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Diwali.

“We want our calendar to be secular, and we don’t want users to have any awareness of other cultures,” the Google spokesperson said. “To uphold this mission, we are keeping Christmas and Easter in the calendar.”