This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional.

LOS ALAMITOS Calif., – Three, two, one. The doors of the supermarket have finally opened and a stampede of people rush in with hopes of purchasing glorious eggs. Shelves that once overflowed with egg cartons now lay bare as people are scrambling to find their daily joy.

“I went to 12 stores today and they all were sold out of eggs. I am going to die without my precious eggs. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!” said local resident Karen Anderson, mother of five.

People are rushing to grocery stores like it’s the Olympics, with the gold medal being eggs. Shopping cart wheels squeak as shoppers dash down aisle to aisle, dodging fellow egg hunters. Many shoppers have to wake up and get in line as early as 2:00 a.m. to get ready for the stores to open at 8:00 a.m.

“I have gotten no sleep for the past week, but I drank six Red Bulls and am ready to achieve my rightful eggs,” Mary Manner, a local college student, said.

Social media has exploded with hashtags like #Eggpocalypse and #ShellShocked. Influencers have even started to post videos on their egg hunting strategies. Some even started posting funny videos in slow motion of the dramatic battles to get a single carton of eggs.

“I can’t believe I got the last dozen of organic cage-free eggs!” one online influencer exclaimed as if she had found a million dollars.

News outlets have joined in on the madness, dubbing this “The Great Egg Crisis.” As this pandemonium continues, local news stations have created 24/7 live coverage to help people find eggs. 

“It started off to help people find eggs. But, I need these eggs more then they do,” a CBS reporter admitted.

As the Great Egg Crisis of 2025 continues, many tragedies have been reported. Several grocery store employees have had to end deadly egg fights inside and outside of stores.

“I was working my normal shift at Ralphs when four Rossmoor moms started chucking eggs at each other in the parking lot,” Barbara, a Ralphs employee, said. “It was crazy, and I had to dodge multiple eggs that were thrown at me.” 

What’s even more is that, instead of $100 bills and gold bars as the nation’s most expensive form of money, people are now seeing cartons of eggs taking their place.

“People have started to view eggs as a form of currency. The price of eggs in some areas has reached astronomical levels. We fear that the national debt could now be tied to omelets,” Dr. Richard Barn, the professor at Eggston University, said.

In a world where eggs have become the new gold, eggs are not just a meal — they are survival. One thing is clear: only the most fierce and determined will reign as champions of this egg-streme crisis.