This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional.

LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. —  In a bold rebranding effort, the United States government has announced that Daylight Saving Time is no longer a biannual inconvenience, but is now federally recognized as a National Endurance Test, curated by the Department of Time (a new agency created specifically for this purpose) to assess the dedication of the true American Spirit with only a clock.

“Daylight Saving Time has always played a crucial factor in our national identity, especially by making everyone slightly disoriented. By declaring it a National Endurance Test, we’re really just recognizing the resilience and adaptability that every American has,” said Bea O’Problem, White House spokesperson.

The announcement of the National Endurance Test for Sleep-Deprived Citizens was made at 2 a.m. on March 9, 2025 (or maybe 3 a.m? No one is actually completely sure anymore.) This new evaluation challenges American citizens to function normally while experiencing an unfaltering sense of existential dread.

Still, this assessment is incredibly beneficial to daily life of a United States citizen, with new data from the Department of Time reporting that 93.4% of Americans don’t know what time it is, and 39.4% arrive to work early by accident and 67.2% just give up and move to Hawaii or Arizona.

The test will be scored on a point system that goes up to 100, designed to reward cognizance and creative flailing:

• +5 points for showing up early to any event exactly one hour late and pretending that it was on purpose.
• +39 points for reprogramming your car’s dashboard clock without having a meltdown 30 minutes before you have to be at work.
• +56 points for explaining what DST is to a toddler without breaking down.

According to officials, the point system isn’t just to collectively annoy everyone in the country but is an “incentivized chaos management strategy” that was developed to turn the nationwide disapproval into a high-stakes game.

“Our citizens are way more likely to accept pointless suffering if they think they can win something. It’s a psychological tactic, or just what we wrote on a napkin while sleep-deprived,” said O’Problem.

However, points can be deducted for what officials are calling “temporal violations”:

• -2000 points for saying that Daylight Savings is pointless.
• -468 points for admitting that you’re tired.
• -12 points for explaining the history of DST.
• Immediate Disqualification for adjusting your clocks in advance “to be prepared.” You can’t outsmart us.

Those who receive 100 points, will be granted the ability to suggest one new unit of time, such as the “moment of despair” (every four seconds when you subconsciously hear your alarm clock during your sleep), a coupon for one free nap that is only redeemable between 2:00 a.m. and 2:01 am and Circadian Rhythm!

The Department of Time is also considering creating a fall counterpart tournament named Extra Hour, What is the Best Way to Waste It? Featuring categories such as Sleeping In and Still Late Anyway.

“I’ve never felt so unqualified for anything in my life, but I’m not losing this endurance competition to my brother, Justin Time. He didn’t even realize it was Thursday,” said Milly Second while staring at her phone, tablet, watch and microwave clock simultaneously.

Meanwhile, the U.S. military has been placed on high alert to handle potential threats that may cause temporal disturbances, including rogue time zones and Canadians.

“It’s not about losing an hour of sleep. It’s about gaining an hour of inner chaos,” said O’Problem.

As every citizen’s clock lurches an hour forward, officials urge Americans to embrace this challenge with dignity, caffeine and a vague sense of the time of day. Participation in the National Endurance Test is technically voluntary but is just about as avoidable as time itself.

So, as millions of individuals stumble through their mornings and grapple with the betrayal of the sun rising at the wrong hour, the government leaves us with a few solemn words: One small step for clocks, one giant stumble for mankind.