This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional.
LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. – In lieu of numerous tardy slips and college applications, Los Alamitos High School has developed a new app for students, MEditate (emphasis on the “me” in meditate). The goal: to bring a moment of peace and calm to students in a day filled with overwhelming assignments and burdens. The result: the opposite.
LAHS held a school-wide assembly where students’ phones connected to the WiFi and automatically began the installation process. In under five minutes, the entire school was connected to MEditate, and students were completely at a loss for words.
The app sends daily reminders at random times throughout the day with messages like “time to MEditate!” and “keep calME and carry on.” When clicked on, the app has a gradient blue, green or pink background (based on a user’s preferences) and a two-minute timer in the center with a “start” button under it.
For two whole minutes, the user is supposed to simply meditate. Just inhaling and exhaling. Maybe the longest 120 seconds of their lives.
LAHS administration released the app to the public earlier this month to less-than-peaceful feedback.
“I’ve never had to meditate before,” student Lee Surely said. “I mean, what do I even do? This is harder than an AP exam.”
In the halls or in class, you can see students staring at their screens, brows furrowed in intense concentration with stormy expressions.
“It’s crazy to me that some students just don’t know how to breathe. MEditate is my number one most-used app. My whole eight hours of screen time? MEditate all the way. I’m glad it’s there for students,” teacher Boo Murr said.
Student Jenn Z. felt otherwise.
“I feel like I’m just hyperventilating. Why do we even have to do this?” she said.
MEditate has been climbing the charts in the app store. It is currently ranked third in health and fitness. The developers, Lay Z. and Lae Zier, said in a statement to the Griffin Gazette that they are excited for MEditate’s success. Eventually, they plan to expand from apps to entire devices, called coMEputers and phoMEs.
Further evaluations on the MEditate app are in the works, but right now, fed-up LAHS students are “peace”-ing out.
Alizabeth Martin • Apr 1, 2025 at 12:31 pm
I love the names you used for the various people; they are hilarious.