This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional.
LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. – There doesn’t seem to be enough time in the school day for students to take all the classes they want, so Los Alamitos High School added even more opportunities for them to pack their schedules. Previously, LAHS offered periods zero to seven, but recent changes are pushing the school day back even further with freshly added negative periods. Starting as early as 4:27 a.m., students can take negative periods one, two and three, in addition to the standard positive six periods!
“I don’t think these periods are nearly enough. They should add even more classes at the end of the day to balance it out. Why would I ever need time to sleep when we have good old caffeine?” said LAHS junior Nita Coffee.
While the decision appears rather controversial, staff said the school must continue adding to students’ workload in order to foster a hard-working mindset. Amidst the change, students are fighting back and looking for ways to increase their typical two hours of sleep each night and combat the growing epidemic of tired students. From coffee to energy drinks, nothing seems to supplement students’ restless need for sleep.
“I think this choice of adding to the school’s schedule is absolutely terrible. I need my mandated 13 hours of sleep every night, or I will go crazy. How are we ever going to do homework if we never spend any time home?” said LAHS senior Mela Tonin.
Whether you feel negatively or positively about this change, the decision stands, and LAHS will be implementing this new schedule starting April 1. Get some rest while you can, Griffins!
Katie Arnoult • Apr 1, 2025 at 8:52 pm
If this gets implemented into my class schedule, I’ll never have a good night’s sleep ever again! Love this article, Ally!