LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. — In an innovative approach to address the high levels of unpreparedness among high school students transitioning to adulthood, Los Alamitos High School has introduced a life-changing new curriculum: “How to Adult.” This in-depth training program promises to equip students with key skills to thrive in the real world. 

“I’m not saying teenagers are addicted to their phones, but I’ve seen a kid text ‘help’ while being attacked by a swarm of bees,” Principal Spiffy said. 

The “How to Adult” curriculum includes 10 modules, covering topics such as: 

1. Time management: “Procrastination: The Art of Doing Nothing” 
2. Basic cooking: “How Not to Burn Water”
3. Job searching: “How to Make a Resume Without AI” 
4. Emergencies: “What to do When The Power Goes Out (Besides Panic)” 
5. Nutrition: “How to Survive Without DoorDash” 
6. Self-care: “The Importance of Getting More Than Five Hours of Sleep”
7. Managing money: “Money Management: Because Your Parents Won’t Support You Forever (Sorry)” 
8. Driving: “From Clueless to Licensed: Just Pray!” 
9. Relationships: “Relationship Guide: Because Who Needs Trust When You Have TikTok”
10.  Mental health: “Learn How to Shut Up and Smile” 

“I found a student wandering lost, so I asked his mother’s name, and with a puzzled expression, he replied, ‘Mom,'” Mr. Stewart, LAHS security, said. “Right in that very moment, I knew my days at LAHS were finalized. I submitted my resignation yesterday.”

LAHS’ administration is confident that this new curriculum will prepare students for the harsh realities of adulthood, or at the very least, attempt to. This revolutionary curriculum will be pushed out on April 1, so instead of questioning it, take a tip from one of the courses and “Learn How to Shut Up and Smile”!