This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional. 

LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. —If you have been living under a rock, SHEIN is a dirt-cheap Chinese clothing company that sells threadbare, ratty, comfortable, fashionable clothing and children’s souls livelihoods. SHEIN, known for its cheap inexpensive clothes and accessories, is now coming under heat for keeping its child workers behind bars. 

While some influencers have been making TikToks criticizing SHEIN’s lack of labor laws and suspicious employee deaths, the child laborers at SHEIN love their jobs!

Chinese kids workers, making 2 cents $200 per month, are receiving an excessive amount of attention and care. 

“I do not give a crap about the little Chinese children. We will work them for 23 hours and $1 a day if we want to. I care deeply about each and every one of my workers,” said SHEIN CEO Jujuwannabe Cara during a FBI child rescue operation press conference. 

Cara, who said that he wishes the Asian children workers “could work 24 hours a day,” said that the kids were being lazy and were always cared for.

When I visited these factories, I noticed the excellent care and attention the SHEIN factories put into each of their employees. 

Frankly, I admire how SHEIN does child labor with class and respect. During my visit, it was Christmas in the factories, and the child workers were given presents containing SHEIN clothes they had produced three hours ago. Even more, when children’s eyes begin to shoot lasers due to the SHEIN bag fumes, the factories graciously give the grieving families a 2 cent SHEIN gift card. 

Besides incredible treatment as a SHEIN worker, their factories also give buyers the benefit of knowing that they are expanding their wardrobe while also providing children with abusive high-paying jobs. 

“I love child labor!” said social media influencer Dharli Emilio in a video titled “Why SHEIN workers are spoiled.” 

These young children workers live a fantastic life in the factories; clearly, the recent reports that SHEIN workers are mistreated and abused are fake. 

“We are perfectly content here in the factories, I deeply enjoy being a SHEIN worker and they never mistreat me,” lied said 9-year-old SHEIN employee Kevin Nguyen held at gunpoint in the SHEIN backrooms at a press conference.