This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional.

LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. — On March 28, Melania Trump was seen accompanying her husband, President Donald Trump, during a private pep rally in their $37 million estate in Mar-a-Lago, Florida. The First Lady’s infamous “death stare” truly came to life when her eyes suddenly shot out lasers into the crowd, leaving many wounded and fleeing the scene.

“Looking into her eyes was like looking into a hopeless abyss; little did I know that it would be the last thing I ever saw,” a loyal fan who was blinded by the lasers claimed.

Melania Trump has yet to make a formal statement. However, she recently told Washington, D.C. journalists, while selecting next season’s White House Christmas decor, that this was an attack from left-wing media groups.

“My eyes don’t shoot lasers, but class,” she expressed in an online statement.

Dr. Flamin Burns from the National Institute of Lasers explained that scientists still don’t have enough research about Slovenian genetics to explain the circumstances of the tragedy, due to President Trump’s executive actions that cut funding to the institute.

Some fans are skeptical and claim that the cause of the lasers is due to Melania Trump signaling a plea for help, while others argue that the weight of her anti-bullying campaign is too exhausting.

“If those lasers are a signal, someone needs to decode them ASAP,” a Floridian bystander said after the March 28 tragedy.

Residents of other cities in Florida have revealed online how the lasers sent electric shockwaves after the initial incident, leaving the state in a wide-spread electrical outage. Unfortunately, there have been no technicians who were able to get the electricity running again due to the President inviting all electricians on a nine-day resort to a remote island to discuss “America’s Bright Future”— ironically, without any working lights or cell service.

Members of the United Nations have started to discuss if military presence will be needed to combat Melania Trump’s laser stare. As of today, April 1, the total number of injuries from the First Lady’s new superpower is 27, with no confirmed deaths.